So I broke up with him…

And no I don’t want to talk about it.

Unfortunately, the details of our breakup are going to remain a mystery… sorry guys [I’m not really sorry].

So I’m single again; at first I was sad but now I’m just angry. I’m angry because when I met “Southern Gentleman” I had absolutely no desire to enter into a relationship. But, he did and said all the right things and I felt safe opening my heart to him – and I did. He then proceeded to stomp on it… unintentionally of course, but nonetheless – he did in fact STOMP on it.

And now I’m back where I started 8 months ago: confused, a little bitter, angry, have new issues to replace the old ones, and irritated [in general] by the opposite sex. Recovering from this relationship will take some time; But in the meantime… I’m miserable.

But I don’t hate him; in fact I still care about him a great deal. I know he never intended to hurt me and I know he would have done anything to make our relationship work, and I know he loved me. We just weren’t a good fit for each other.

Not seeing him or talking to him has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Although – I’m electing not to share the details – please know that he is a good man that inadvertently hurt me A LOT. He was great to me but as time revealed he was not great for me – and vice versa. I really wish that things could be different between us but I know that it was best for us to part ways. I think about him a lot, and I miss seeing him; but I know that I need to move on even though I can see that will be an incredibly difficult task.

My friends who know the details don’t seem to understand why I’m hanging on. The truth of the matter is – nobody knows how I feel or what I’m going through except me. And nobody knows how great he was to me – amidst all of his “stuff” – and how well he treated me. And NO one can understand what it’s like to finally receive all the things you’ve been looking for in a relationship, and to be with someone who allows you to be yourself, and then walk away. I think leaving someone who gives 70% of what you need – would be hard for anyone.

So, I’m going out tonight – and I have no interest in meeting anyone. I’m just going to hang out with my Sis, have some sushi and more than likely get wasted.

The post following our outing should be interesting.

As of Right Now…

I woke up this morning at 3:30am for other reason that while I slept I remembered he said he would call me back.

My anger is growing with mild intensity and then calms down to disappointment because the truth of the matter is I didn’t expect him to call me back. I only hoped that he had enough sense to know that he was on thin ice and anything, anything at all, that prevented him from keeping his word to me would result in some sort of consequence. It’s not that I wish to punish him, but we’re in the process of “talking it out” and seeing if we “can make it work” and any bump in the road – be it large or small will have a tremendous impact on our progress; shit, it may even halt our progress.

These past six months I’ve barely written a thing because all I had to write about was him and I didn’t feel comfortable with sharing him with the world. Although I still don’t I find that writing about my feelings subdues my anger. In reality, it’s in his best interest that I do this.

I love him… I do… and I know that the events that transpired before me are not my fault nor are they an indicator of how he felt/ feels about me. I know he loves me. I’m just an innocent in all this, unfairly forced to deal with the aftermath even though I had no hand in the actions that have taken me down a road that I would have never even set foot on.

I’m not angry any more… I’m just disappointed. I suppose I’m also a little sad because tonight showed me that I probably won’t be able to “deal”.
But you know what though… and this hit me as soon as I woke up… whatever happens is not my fault; it’s his. I love him, and he is a good man, I was truly happy with him but how much should I be expected to handle? How much bullshit to have to deal with just because I love him? What is he doing to make this worth my time? What is he doing to show me that I would be safe and secure with him?

How am I supposed to know that everything is going to be okay? I’ve only been with him for 6 months and my good sense is telling me to walk away; and I would walk away if he didn’t make me so happy. If he hadn’t shown me that he was the most thoughtful, considerate and sweet man I had ever been with. 1 week of disappointment and dismay doesn’t cancel out 6 months of complete happiness.

Yesterday morning, I thought there may be hope for us. Today as of 4:07am, I don’t think there is; and I have no idea how I’m going to feel about him later today, let alone tomorrow.

I’m not ready to talk about it.

I pulled into my garage… feeling slightly better than I did earlier.

I park my car, grab my purse, lock the car and begin to walk to the elevator. While walking I feel myself glaring at cars as I walk by them, at the growing noise of the fan as I walk by it… By the time I reached the door to the elevator I spotted a neighbor and glared at her too. But only for a moment – my glare was followed by a slight smile in an attempt to soften my initial reaction.

I selected my floor number and heard her say “Seven please”… “Sure” I said; never looking up at her. As the elevator transported up the building one floor at a time, I felt my smile fall into a frown. I felt my breathing turn into a string of sighs, and I felt my jaw clench – the ding by the elevator to alert to me that one of us had reached our destination temporarily snapped me back into reality and I walked out with m y head down and turn right. “Have a good day “… I heard her say, but I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge her. She must thing I’m a bitch… or maybe she has some sense and realizes that my mood doesn’t have anything to do with her and she shouldn’t take it personally… who knows.

As I walk I feel heat start to spread throughout my body and my eyes begin to water. I pick up my face trying to reach my condo before the inevitable happens. I turn the key, let the door close behind me and drop my bag on the floor. I back up so that my back is braced by the door and I slowly drop to the floor. My eyes shut, my head drops and I begin to sob.

“Stop… stop” I say to myself, trying so hard to control my emotions. But I couldn’t, I had been on the verge of crying all day and it was just time for it to come out. I cried so hard that eyes began to hurt… I cried so long so nose became stuffed to point where I could barely breathe.

I walked to the bathroom to blow my nose and found myself once again on the floor… sobbing.

I loved him so much and he hurt me so bad. I don’t deserve this.

But even in my emotional state I can’t bring myself to hate him. He didn’t mean to hurt me and I know that, he made a really stupid decision before he met me and now we are both paying for it. I never thought something like this would be happening to us. We were so good together, true enough he had some shortcomings as we all do – but I made up mind long ago that there was no way I was going to leave this man that I believed I had been waiting on my whole life. I thought nothing to make me walk away from him… I was wrong.

Heartbreak is the worst pain; not only do you feel it in your body but it is reflected in your soul, shines through eyes and is written all over your face. I can’t hide this pain or pretend like I’m O.K. when I’m not, something always gives me away; today it was glossy eyes, I wonder what it will be tomorrow…

Thanksgiving Night

Well it’s Thanksgiving night… and I’m just getting over a cold. Even though I have been completely miserable for the last two days I half expected to receive a text message from ex wishing me a very happy Thanksgiving… Of course, it didn’t happen.  I suppose it’s time to accept the fact that it is indeed over me and I need to move on.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I miss him… Hell! It’s been a year – and he really wasn’t that great of a boyfriend. He constantly let me down and disappointed me – and he made me angry more than he made me happy…  But what can I say? We love who we love; and its time for me to at least find a date or someone to help me get over this hump.