One Thing is Certain

Last week I was home sick and since my ex chose to visit me, even though I explained to him that I was highly contagious, he was also sick.

I had the luxury of staying home while he had to tough it out at work every day. Even though I knew he was miserable, every time he came over he had a smile on his face. I was still pretty angry with him, but I have to admit that my anger lessened every time I saw him. He’s so hard to be angry with…

Every day when he came over it was a mystery to me as to how my mood would be that day. I missed him so much during the day and I would be borderline excited to see him – but at some point throughout the day I would snap. He wouldn’t even argue with me though – he just let me say what I needed to say even if it was hurtful; the fact that he just took it without defending himself or any type of protest made me feel even worse. I quickly realized that I was not going to feel better by making him feel worse than I know he already did.

Every time I hurt him it was written on his face and apparent in his body language. Although I felt completely terrible about hurting him, he hurt me first – and I know how juvenile that is; but, I was reacting. I just had this bomb dropped on me and I was completely raw. I was completely happy and then my happiness was completely shattered… of course I was pissed. But, that does not in any way excuse my behavior. I still feel pretty bad about it.

Not only was I feeling a certain degree of guilt for my unpredictable outbursts – but I was also completely miserable. Miserable because I felt that his actions altered my perception of him and I was mad as hell… I knew he wasn’t perfect… but I truly felt that he was perfect for me and his actions forced me to consider the possibility that he wasn’t; that maybe I had been imagining our connection or that I had been lying to myself.

After about a week of this, I decided to stop torturing myself. Having him around and spending time with him was great – but the possibility that we wouldn’t be together gave me a pain in my heart that felt unbearable. I had to make a decision… either I was going to be with him or I wasn’t.

The night before I had to return to work were lying in bed together getting ready to go to sleep. Even as he lay behind me holding me in his arms I was contemplating on whether or not I should stay or go. I looked behind me only to see him nestled in a nook behind my neck; he was knocked out. I turned back to my original position and must have slightly awakened him because I remember him making a groaning noise. A short… sharp groan… as if he was complaining that I had moved; it was kind of cute.

I could feel his muscles against my back, he felt so strong. He was holding me so tight, as if he loosened his grip I would float away or something. This would typically really irritate me, but in this case – it didn’t. I know him… and I knew he had been missing me, missing kissing me and touching me and just being with me. I knew he held me that tight because he thought it might be the last time that I would let him.

All of a sudden I knew that our future had no real certainty… but I was certain that I loved him, and that I wanted him.
I woke him up and told him immediately – he only smiled and went back to sleep. Funnily enough, I thought the news would garner a more enthusiastic reaction…

Hours later I woke to him kissing me. He often kissed me before going to work but this time he kissed my cheeks, my arms, neck and breasts. He then told me he loved me and to have a nice day, and then he was gone.

I was happy… really happy that I had him back. Unfortunately, my happiness couldn’t negate the feelings of uncertainty about our future. Every day I try to ignore those feelings but, everyday, something happens that forces me to face the reality of the situation; which is, our relationship will not be as easy as it once was due to new characters that have been thrown into the mix.

That’s What He Tells Me

He came over last night… I didn’t think he would so I was definitely surprised when I heard a knock at my door around 9:30.

I had a moment of weakness earlier that day and told him to come over – unfortunately he had a meeting after work that lasted a lot longer than either of us anticipated. Although, his meeting running late was not his fault – I was still extraordinarily irritated by the entire situation.

I came home with the specific intent of getting him to my place so that I could get laid.  As soon as I got home I found a pair of cute boy shorts and a tightly fitted ribbed mesh tank top… I fluffed my hair out to achieve that “wild/free/sexy” look that he likes. I put some body oil between my breasts and legs, and few splashes behind my knees and neck. I looked really good – but was utterly exhausted.

I happened to have a green tea energy pill in my cabinet… against my better judgment I took it. 20 minutes later my brain felt like it was about to shut down but my body was completely wired,no… it was definitley not a good idea.

We had been exchanging some pretty freaky text messages all day and no matter what I was determined to find the energy to have sex… even if it was artificial energy.

After taking my pill of course he told me he a priority for work that he had to take care of and he would come over after.  Yeah I was pissed…. I was totally wired and there was no hope of sex and even less hope of sleep.  I just lay in my bed with my eyes closed… mind racing… heart pounding… eyes burning… completely miserable.

An hour later I checked my phone just to see that he hadn’t sent me any text messages.  I absolutely refused to send him one…  I will just eat my anger and focus on something else that will hopefully prevent me from flipping out on this dude. 

Directly after I reach my resolve I hear a notification… it’s him… he’s leaving his building and will be here soon.  I responded by saying that I was too tired, but he could come by and chill if he wanted.   I typed the second part without even thinking “you can come by and chill for a few minutes if you want”…  I have no idea why I said that.  I suppose I thought he would just go home- without the possibility of sex, what would be the point?

But like I said earlier, he surprised me.

 When he came over I just finished washing, drying and rolling my hair and was subsequently wearing a scarf and chatting on the phone with one of my friends when I hear a knock at the door…

I didn’t get off the phone, hug or kiss him hello… I guess I was really surprised to see him.

I let him in, went into the bathroom to finish my conversation, threw some “smell good” on and went to sit next to him on the couch.  I had a similar outfit on to my initial one… this one was way less sexy –but the results were the same,  all the right areas were exposed… still had plenty of eye candy to show him.  Though, showing him what he had been missing was my not my intent at that point, I took it as a fortunate side effect.

We sat down for a couple of hours and watched a really stupid movie… I don’t think either of us were very interested in it. I think we both were just enjoying being close to one another.  

I couldn’t help but watch his hand trace my legs and thighs, and feel his other lightly brush up against my breast. I didn’t feel exhausted anymore… the more my pussy started to throb the more body seemed to give me the energy that I needed to do what I feel my body needed… get laid.

Eventually he wanted a kiss… and for whatever reason I was hesitant. I mean, we’re not together, we’re still kind of fighting… it’s just not as easy for me to kiss him now as it once was. He had to turn my face to his and lean down to kiss me; he did so very slowly never taking his eyes off mine.  When I finally felt his lips on mine the softness of them made my body explode and I felt my panties become soaked.  He kissed me 4 times very slowly, all the while looking at me… damn it… why are this boys lips so damn soft?!

When he parted from me I felt myself slowly take in a deep breath… I didn’t want him to know how excited he was making me.

I still can’t bring myself to write about the intimacies of our sex life – even though we’re not together anymore. 

All I can say is that about 5 minutes later, our kiss was followed by an intense, passionate, freaky love session… needless to say I wore him out.

Today however is a different story.  He never seems to be available when I need him… not anymore.  And I know that reasons for him not being available to me or completely legitimate but that does not in any way prevent me from being disappointed. 

I feel like every relationship I’ve ever had has been like this. I’m always there for them, always give them what I believe they need… but I never get what I need.  I’m sick today, and if he doesn’t at least drive his ass over here to give me some soup its going be a problem.

He can come over to get laid – but not to take care of me… and he’s supposed to love me remember? I mean, at least that’s what he tells me every day.

We’re Not Done Yet

For the past several days I’ve been trying to convince myself that I don’t need him; telling myself that I’m fine without him and that there are other men out there that can make me as happy as he did; however, my experiences over the weekend have pointed my thoughts in another direction…

I took a little trip to a few lounges over the weekend and was reminded of how many idiots are out there. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t somewhat enjoy men pursuing me and showing me attention – it provided with a much needed ego boost. However, just about every one of them followed a compliment with something completely inappropriate like, “Damn girl, where did you get all that ass”, or “I gotta piss like a race horse”, or “You look good as shit, why are you standing here are alone”…which 9 times out of ten was followed by an unwarranted physical gesture of some sort; i.e. touching my shoulder and/or arm.

I have no desire to date again, I didn’t want to date when I met “Southern Gentleman”; he just kind of fell into my life the right time in the way that I needed in order for me to be vulnerable. I cannot imagine opening m y heart to someone else the way that I have with him. I can’t imagine another person more deserving of my love and kindness… certainly not any of the fools I met over the weekend.

Having those aforementioned experiences over the weekend reminded me of how wonderful he is. Clearly he has some qualities that I prefer he didn’t… but nobody is perfect. Whatever his drawbacks are, I feel that he has what I need in a man in order to be truly happy and I feel like I possess those same qualities for him. I’ve never been so connected with anyone and I don’t want to lose that.

He made massive mistakes before me, I can’t bring myself to continue to prosecute him for things he did prior to our relationship; and I can’t keep wishing that I wasn’t going through this, and that he could just go back and remediate his mistake because it’s not possible. I need to decide if I can deal with this or not… and everyday my mind changes.
I’m not afraid to be alone, and I don’t think I will be hopeless and miserable without him. I know how to make myself happy; and I know only a fool looks to someone else to give their life purpose and fulfillment – I don’t need him for any of that. I don’t need him at all, but I want him. And I could go on with my life, and be successful and happy without him, but I don’t want to. I want him there… I want him here.

I have no idea what’s going to happen with us tomorrow, or next week or next month. All I know is that we’re not done yet.