I’m Waiting for You Daddy Part 2: “But You Need to Hurry Your Ass Up”

I just realized that I created the original post [I’m Waiting for You Daddy http://wp.me/pISsY-2C] in February and then met Southern Gentleman [http://wp.me/pISsY-4M] in late April.

How fucked up is that lol?
I don’t know if I should be happy that I got exactly what I wanted – or angry because I wasn’t able to keep it. It sucks that I only got a glimpse of the qualities that I’ve been looking for – AND that they belonged to a man who couldn’t make me happy. He wanted to – but he just couldn’t.

When I initially made the list – I only listed the bare minimum requirements and that’s where I made my mistake. I thought to myself, if he can do “this”, I’ll never leave. I’ll love him forever.

And I honestly didn’t want to leave him. I did everything I could not to leave. But in the end he couldn’t make me happy and I didn’t think I could truly make him happy – so I made the decision to leave.
I’m still very torn about it because I had a great time with him, and he is truly a great person. The sad truth is – we just aren’t meant for each other.
All the things that I neglected to initially put on my list were qualities that he didn’t have. This experience has shown me what I need to be happy – and what type of man I want.
As painful as this experience has been – I believe I have figured out what I want. So I’m making a new list…
I’ll more than likely add to it as time goes on – but for now I think I’ve covered everything.

1. Must be 5’11 or taller
2. Must have good credit
3. Must be a critical and decisive thinker
4. Must be articulate
5. Must not be a “Momma’s Boy”
6. Must be an independent thinker / Individual
7. Must have a strong mind
8. Must be spiritual
9. Must be emotionally and physically strong
10. Must be able to express himself
11. Must be honest
12. Must have integrity
13. Must have courage
14. Must be responsible
15. Must be a good father [ if he has a child]
16. Must have a well managed relationship with child and mother
17. Must be intelligent
18. Must be experienced
19. Must be affectionate
20. Must be kind and sweet
21. Must be aggressive
22. Must treat me well
23. Must understand and respect me
24. Must not be afraid to argue
25. Must always be willing to reconcile and come to a resolution
26. Must be able to compromise
27. Must be loving and gentle
28. Must be fit
29. Must have a nice body
30. Must have a nice dick
31. Must have a desire to make me happy / please me
32. Must get along well with my family
33. Must be confident
34. Must have a great sense of humor
35. Must be a hugger
36. Must have big hands
37. Must know how to dance
38. Must be spontaneous
39. Must know how to initiate sex
40. Must have a high sex drive
41. Must be committed and monogamous
42. Must believe in marriage
43. Must be sexual
44. Must be a gentleman
45. Must have his own place
46. Must be financially stable
47. Must be good at oral sex
48. Must know a variety of sexual positions
49. Must be open
50. Must be positive
51. Must be social [ semi-social]
52. Must be a good kisser
53. Must be a “freak”
54. Must be clean
55. Must have a doctor
56. Must love to travel
57. Must have car
58. Must be able to be silly
59. Must be family oriented – but not stupid when it comes to family
60. Must be romantic
61. Must be a good listener
62. Must be able to make me cum in every possible scenario
63. Must be adventurous
64. Must be handsome
65. Must understand my personality and like/appreciate it
66. Must be playful
67. Must be sexy
68. Must be able to “check” me… when needed
69. Must not have squeaky voice
70. Must have nice ass
71. Must be able to teach me things
72. Must be willing and capable of falling in love
73. Must not do stupid things to hurt me
74. Must treat me better than I’ve ever been treated
75. Must be easy to love
76. Must touch me in places I’ve never been touched
77. Must be “satisfiable” *I know it’s not a word!*
78. Must be completely heterosexual
79. Must know what he wants
80. Must not be afraid or intimidated by me
81. Must be compatible

I think I’ll just do what I did last time… allow myself to emotional heal and just wait for him to come – because I know he’s coming… he came last time.

Not so Happy-Happy Hour

3:00 P.M. Fuck This…

I’m sitting at my cubicle watching the minutes go by. I made plans earlier in the week to meet the girls for happy hour and I was getting anxious. I was contemplating on whether or not I want to leave an hour early. Nobody is here; I don’t have anything to do. “Fuck this,” I say aloud… “I’m leaving.”

I check and respond to a few important emails, gather my things, lock up, and go out the “back way” to ensure that I’m not seen my manager… my manger’s manager … or the director.

Eh, I really doubt that will miss me, and plus, leaving now will allow me to get home by 4 and find something to wear to happy hour.

4:00 P.M. Strip

Just walked through the door and as soon as I hear the door shut behind me I immediately begin to strip. I drop my purse, gym bag, throw my coat on the desk, kick off my shoes and take off my earrings. I make a quick right in to my bathroom while stepping out of my pants, unbuttoned my blouse, unhooked my braw and stepped out of my panties and directly into the shower.

5:00 P.M. I Have Some Really Nice Boobs

I decided to go sexy – casual. Snug jeans, cute white top [Hollister] that accents my boobs, light make-up and my hoop earrings that I love; Cute and simple but definitely showing off my curves.

After dressing I walked over to the mirror to get myself a quick check. I turned around so that I could see my ass in the mirror and gave it my stamp of approval – i.e. a quick smack… I then began to slowly rotate my body 180 degrees and traced the outline my body with my hands until I was facing in the mirror. Then, I allowed them to rest on my hips for a moment while I decided if my outfit was too casual.

I slide my hands up to my breasts and gave them a quick squeeze. “Yeah… I’m good” I say aloud. “This is good enough for happy hour”. Damn… I have some really nice boobs.

I really wanted to meet someone. Breakups always leave me feeling kind of shitty… and not quite myself. I feel desperate. Not desperate for a relationship – but for a “distraction”. I’m desperate to be beyond the phase of feeling sad and maybe a little bitter; desperate to move on and not have to deal with this post-breakup emotional carnage.

5:20 Solo at the Bar

I took off my coat to the let the “girls” breathe… performed a quick scan of the bar and restaurant… no cuties. I got some attention – the girls always get attention – but it was from the oldies at the bar that didn’t have the balls to approach me. Older men are intimidated by PYTs lol… and that’s just fine with me.

6:15 P.M. Mixed Company

I’m buzzing from the 2 beers I had while waiting for everyone to arrive, and I’m in a really good mood… I’m a happy drunk. I’m enjoying the company of my girls and loving the conversation.

Unfortunately, we only got about 45 minutes of good conversation in before the men arrived.

The men I’m speaking of were collectively invited by us [the girls]… so I knew them…kind of. They came up one by one and greeted us individually. One guy, I’ll call him Mike, decided to greet with me a few mini kisses on my cheek. In his defense he warned earlier – that he planned to kiss me, but I honestly didn’t think he had the balls. So, I expected a hug and was surprised by his kisses.

Throughout the night he did some things that, I suppose, indicated that he was, possibly, interested. He hugged me and wrapped his arms around me a couple of times.

Before I tell you how I reacted, let me first say that I didn’t know he had any type of interest in me until he sent me a text a couple of hours prior to seeing me – to say that he was gonna kiss me. And even when I read the text I really didn’t think anything of it. He’s been an acquaintance of mine for about a year and –to my knowledge – has never even hinted at being interested. So… I threw him in the “friend bucket”. He seemed cool and when we hung out I had fun, so
to me I suppose he’s a hang out buddy. And that’s all I see him as.

So, when he hugged me, I didn’t him back, and when wrapped his arms around me I didn’t respond verbally or physically. In other words, I was cold. But how would you act if one of your friends starting hugging you for no reason? I was taken aback by it, definitely and was irritated because he was “blockin’”. Whether or not that was his intention – I have no idea, nevertheless, that’s what he was doing. Every cutie that walked in to the spot assumed we were together – killing all chances of me fulfilling the mission I had been tweeting and facebooking about all freaking day. A mission – which I believe- he was well aware of.

I won’t get into the details of what happened because he reads this blog and I don’t really want to put him all the way out there. I’ll just say that I had really good time with the girls and I had an alright time with the guys. I’m sure I said and did things that irritated Mike – but that’s not my fault.

Admittedly I’m not the type of person who picks up on hints well. I need for people to say exactly what it is they want or I’m never going to get it. If he had interest in me that night he should have said something. At least if he did, we could have avoided the awkwardness and developed some sort of understanding.

I wonder if, during his decision making process, he considered that I just ended a relationship with a man that I loved very much and that I might not have any interest in dating anyone; which I don’t. Then again, perhaps he did think about it and only had interest in pursuing a sexual relationship.

At this point, all I can do is speculate; I have no idea what his intentions were that night or what sort of strategy he had. What I do know is that it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sure my actions turned him off – as they would any man; and I was equally turned off by his. I don’t like men who can’t articulate their wants and desires; I’m not going to put “it “on a silver platter for you. If you want it, you’re going to have to come and get it.

9:00 P.M. Wasted

By the time we left, I had at least 6 drinks under my belt… possibly more. The cold was sobering and allowed me to compose myself enough to walk my drunk ass home safely.

I really had a great time, with the exception of the awkwardness between Mike and I. I hugged the girls goodbye and turned around to say goodbye to Mike who had pulled a rather impressive disappearing act. I didn’t even see him leave lol… oh well.

9:10 P.M. Drunk Dialing

When I got home, I called several people – not really who, but several people; For whatever reason I didn’t stay on the phone with any of them very long and was subsequently left without a distraction. I know now, that I should have just taken my ass to bed. But instead, I looked at my phone, found my ex’s number and called him and pressed send. Even though I was wasted I still knew that calling him was NOT a good idea. I think the tequila shot made me do it…

I really missed him, and I wanted him pretty bad. While the phone rang I decided I didn’t give a shit and that I wanted to call and fuck the consequences! Again… this is the tequila.

The phone rang and rang… and as it did I found myself hoping that he didn’t answer. I needed him to save me from my drunken stupidity because I sure as hell couldn’t do it. I just sat on my couch and listened to each and every ring… Each ring felt substantially extended. Damn this tequila… it felt like the phone call was taking an hour rather than minutes to complete. And in the inebriated hour I felt regret for calling. I realized that phone had been ringing for a while – and that he was probably ignoring my call, which made me feel like shit. I felt my eyes start to close and my head begin to drop when suddenly, I heard his voice.

“Hello?”

I jumped up from the couch and widened my eyes trying to find him, as if someway somehow he had materialized from my making the phone call.

“Hello, Shay?”

I came back down to reality and realized he was on the phone and not in front me.

“Hi…” I was happy to hear his voice.

“Hey….” He sounded so warm and I could hear him smiling – which, for whatever reason, aroused me.

“I want to see you…can you come over”

“Yes.”

10:00 P.M. Reunion…

I Need A Distraction

Unfortunately, my sis and I didn’t hang out. Instead I stayed home, watched movies, drank wine and reminisced about my ex… fun times. :/

This is week two of me being single and I can honestly say that the worst is over. I definitely still miss him, and think of him often; however, I am at peace with the hard fact that we cannot make each other happy in the long term.
I often wonder why I had to even meet him, and why God felt he needed to put “Southern Gentleman” in my path just to show me that I couldn’t be happy with him. I think that hurts more than anything – to get what you’ve been asking for just to find out that it’s not a good fit for you, or that it’s just not meant for you. I have no doubt that he is going to find a really great woman later in life, marry her and be extremely happy. He’s a great person, he deserves it, and I believe he’ll get it. Honestly, you know, I feel like I know the reason why he met me. I feel like in our short together I made him better and as he continues to reflect our relationship he will continue to grow and mature. But as for me, and why I met him, I don’t know. However, I am confident the purpose of our relationship will be revealed to me when I’m ready to receive it.

Anyway…

So, because I seriously cannot stand being cooped up in this condo and constantly reminded of him, I’ve decided to get out and be more social – something I was attempting to do prior to our relationship. First attempt to be more social will be to attend a happy hour with a handful of friends.

Unfortunately, the break up has left me somewhat moody, harsh and closed… and I feel the only way to circumvent these things is to get drunk. So, happy hour is the ideal first “social step”. I’m a “happy drunk” so I figure, the alcohol will allow me to loosen up enough as to give the illusion that I’m approachable and non-intimidating.

All I really want is a distraction, you know, something to get my mind off my ex. No relationships, just a little casual dating.

When I’m at work its somewhat easy not to think of my ex. When I’m at home… it’s a different story, my place is filled with memories of him. If I allow my mind to be occupied for one moment, I’ll find that I’m either laughing at something funny he once did or said, or crying at the fact that he’s gone.

I sometimes wish I could just reach out to him, just to see how he’s doing – but I know that has the potential to be emotionally damaging for the both of us. I suppose I just have to suffer through it for right now – and resist the urge to be selfish and reach out to him to soothe my pain; which, essentially, is what I would be doing.

Anyway, enough about that… Thursday promises to be interesting. Stay tuned…

So I broke up with him…

And no I don’t want to talk about it.

Unfortunately, the details of our breakup are going to remain a mystery… sorry guys [I’m not really sorry].

So I’m single again; at first I was sad but now I’m just angry. I’m angry because when I met “Southern Gentleman” I had absolutely no desire to enter into a relationship. But, he did and said all the right things and I felt safe opening my heart to him – and I did. He then proceeded to stomp on it… unintentionally of course, but nonetheless – he did in fact STOMP on it.

And now I’m back where I started 8 months ago: confused, a little bitter, angry, have new issues to replace the old ones, and irritated [in general] by the opposite sex. Recovering from this relationship will take some time; But in the meantime… I’m miserable.

But I don’t hate him; in fact I still care about him a great deal. I know he never intended to hurt me and I know he would have done anything to make our relationship work, and I know he loved me. We just weren’t a good fit for each other.

Not seeing him or talking to him has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Although – I’m electing not to share the details – please know that he is a good man that inadvertently hurt me A LOT. He was great to me but as time revealed he was not great for me – and vice versa. I really wish that things could be different between us but I know that it was best for us to part ways. I think about him a lot, and I miss seeing him; but I know that I need to move on even though I can see that will be an incredibly difficult task.

My friends who know the details don’t seem to understand why I’m hanging on. The truth of the matter is – nobody knows how I feel or what I’m going through except me. And nobody knows how great he was to me – amidst all of his “stuff” – and how well he treated me. And NO one can understand what it’s like to finally receive all the things you’ve been looking for in a relationship, and to be with someone who allows you to be yourself, and then walk away. I think leaving someone who gives 70% of what you need – would be hard for anyone.

So, I’m going out tonight – and I have no interest in meeting anyone. I’m just going to hang out with my Sis, have some sushi and more than likely get wasted.

The post following our outing should be interesting.

That’s What He Tells Me

He came over last night… I didn’t think he would so I was definitely surprised when I heard a knock at my door around 9:30.

I had a moment of weakness earlier that day and told him to come over – unfortunately he had a meeting after work that lasted a lot longer than either of us anticipated. Although, his meeting running late was not his fault – I was still extraordinarily irritated by the entire situation.

I came home with the specific intent of getting him to my place so that I could get laid.  As soon as I got home I found a pair of cute boy shorts and a tightly fitted ribbed mesh tank top… I fluffed my hair out to achieve that “wild/free/sexy” look that he likes. I put some body oil between my breasts and legs, and few splashes behind my knees and neck. I looked really good – but was utterly exhausted.

I happened to have a green tea energy pill in my cabinet… against my better judgment I took it. 20 minutes later my brain felt like it was about to shut down but my body was completely wired,no… it was definitley not a good idea.

We had been exchanging some pretty freaky text messages all day and no matter what I was determined to find the energy to have sex… even if it was artificial energy.

After taking my pill of course he told me he a priority for work that he had to take care of and he would come over after.  Yeah I was pissed…. I was totally wired and there was no hope of sex and even less hope of sleep.  I just lay in my bed with my eyes closed… mind racing… heart pounding… eyes burning… completely miserable.

An hour later I checked my phone just to see that he hadn’t sent me any text messages.  I absolutely refused to send him one…  I will just eat my anger and focus on something else that will hopefully prevent me from flipping out on this dude. 

Directly after I reach my resolve I hear a notification… it’s him… he’s leaving his building and will be here soon.  I responded by saying that I was too tired, but he could come by and chill if he wanted.   I typed the second part without even thinking “you can come by and chill for a few minutes if you want”…  I have no idea why I said that.  I suppose I thought he would just go home- without the possibility of sex, what would be the point?

But like I said earlier, he surprised me.

 When he came over I just finished washing, drying and rolling my hair and was subsequently wearing a scarf and chatting on the phone with one of my friends when I hear a knock at the door…

I didn’t get off the phone, hug or kiss him hello… I guess I was really surprised to see him.

I let him in, went into the bathroom to finish my conversation, threw some “smell good” on and went to sit next to him on the couch.  I had a similar outfit on to my initial one… this one was way less sexy –but the results were the same,  all the right areas were exposed… still had plenty of eye candy to show him.  Though, showing him what he had been missing was my not my intent at that point, I took it as a fortunate side effect.

We sat down for a couple of hours and watched a really stupid movie… I don’t think either of us were very interested in it. I think we both were just enjoying being close to one another.  

I couldn’t help but watch his hand trace my legs and thighs, and feel his other lightly brush up against my breast. I didn’t feel exhausted anymore… the more my pussy started to throb the more body seemed to give me the energy that I needed to do what I feel my body needed… get laid.

Eventually he wanted a kiss… and for whatever reason I was hesitant. I mean, we’re not together, we’re still kind of fighting… it’s just not as easy for me to kiss him now as it once was. He had to turn my face to his and lean down to kiss me; he did so very slowly never taking his eyes off mine.  When I finally felt his lips on mine the softness of them made my body explode and I felt my panties become soaked.  He kissed me 4 times very slowly, all the while looking at me… damn it… why are this boys lips so damn soft?!

When he parted from me I felt myself slowly take in a deep breath… I didn’t want him to know how excited he was making me.

I still can’t bring myself to write about the intimacies of our sex life – even though we’re not together anymore. 

All I can say is that about 5 minutes later, our kiss was followed by an intense, passionate, freaky love session… needless to say I wore him out.

Today however is a different story.  He never seems to be available when I need him… not anymore.  And I know that reasons for him not being available to me or completely legitimate but that does not in any way prevent me from being disappointed. 

I feel like every relationship I’ve ever had has been like this. I’m always there for them, always give them what I believe they need… but I never get what I need.  I’m sick today, and if he doesn’t at least drive his ass over here to give me some soup its going be a problem.

He can come over to get laid – but not to take care of me… and he’s supposed to love me remember? I mean, at least that’s what he tells me every day.