Against my better judgment my ex and I have been communicating. Ever since we slept together I find it difficult not to at least text him every so often.
Several days ago we got into somewhat of a “texting” argument that ended in me saying that we couldn’t be anything and that I had no interest in ever seeing him again; and me deleting his number. I checked my phone every few minutes for almost 2 days and to my disappointment, he didn’t respond.
I know what I said, but I thought that – being the kind of person he was – he would at least call; which he didn’t. I thought he would at least text me “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”, which he didn’t. When he finally texted me it was Christmas night – 2 days after our conversation. He acknowledged the fact that I was upset – but did not apologize. And yes, he did something that warranted an apology. I spoke to him as I normally would for a few minutes and then got off the phone. I was infuriated.
I had to sit down and figure out why I was upset. I knew I was furious, but I didn’t exactly now why. This man was not my boyfriend, who may or may not still love, who doesn’t owe me anything. My being was completely and utterly my fault. I led myself down this path by opening the lines of communication 2 weeks after closing them. And I’m the one who asked him to come over. I’m the one who started this mess. He doesn’t owe me anything.
So, after a day or two of self reflection I decided to let it go – AND – to not sleep with him anymore. I was clearly “in my feelings” and it was because I slept with him. Before doing so, I was on the emotional road to recovery. BEFORE doing so, I didn’t really think about him or even cared if he called. It was clear to me that sleeping with him was a stupid idea and definitely caused me to regress.
Of course, I haven’t told him yet. I plan to – but it seems silly to have a conversation about something that may not even happen again. I have no plans to invite him over to my place – so as far as I’m concerned, the opportunity more than likely won’t present itself. So, IF it comes up, I’ll tell him, if not, I won’t.
Also, I noticed that I’m always calling him or texting him and that he rarely reaches out to me. In reality, he’s always been this way – I just never noticed because he was always here. So, in an effort to curb our communication [at least on my end] I deleted his number. Additionally, I wanted to see when this fucker was going to reach out to me. 2 days later… he sends me a text. I don’t respond.
I don’t respond because I don’t think he understands how much it sucks to have some you care about not answer your text messages or phone calls. After all, I never made him wait for a thing. I hate to have to play these ridiculous games but sometimes I feel like this is the only way to get through to some people – by making them experience what they forced you to experience. Sometimes having the “this is what you did, and this is why you hurt me” talk is pointless – especially if it doesn’t result in a change in behavior.
So, like I said, I didn’t respond; and I still haven’t a day ½ later. He’s sent me 5 text messages in 12 hours, which is odd for him. I have no plans on responding until later tonight, and when I do it’ll be: “what’s up?” It’s time for him to see how this bullshit feels – he’s sensitive guy and I know this is bothering him. His mind is probably wandering, not knowing what I’m doing or who I’m with. Oh well… doesn’t feel so good… does it?
It is entirely your fault. You are playing games instead of being real and authentic. You told him you never wanted to see him again and then get upset because he did not text you back. Say what you mean and mean what you say and quit playing head games. You expect him to read your mind past what you say. You get involved with an emotionally unavailiable man and then get upset because he continues to be emotionally unavailable.
There are peopel who are broken and who are poisonous. Don’t involve yourself in a relationship with them. Or perhaps you think that the wonderfulness of your being will magically change them. They are adults and adults don’t change much or often. They are who they are. Take them for what they are worth and move on when you find that they don’t fulfill you. You are playing games with yourself as well as this guy. You called him back for a booty call and got upset because he was still the same guy you broke up with.
What is wrong with you that you would do these head games?
John Wilder
John,
First, this is categorized as a “diary entry”. This is what I’m feeling as I’m feeling it, no edits. I don’t start writing with a plan – I just write. So, I think it’s silly, to sit and analyze something I haven’t even thought about.
Secondly, there is a whole lot more to the story that what you’ve read. I’m not some silly little girl that can’t handle a sexual relationship if that’s all it is.
Also more has happened between us than what you’ve read. I didn’t feel it was necessary to tell the world my entire business – and I still don’t. So all you need to know is that my expectations for him, at this point are not unreasonable; and that my expectations are based directly on his words and actions.
Everything I said to him I meant – and you have no idea why I said them. Yet you are so eager to jump in and judge me. You don’t know what happened during our conversation, before our conversation or after. You don’t know how many times I’ve seen him and you don’t know half of what he’s done. You have no fucking clue. So, it is baffling to me how you can jump in and tells ME what I did and why I was wrong when you don’t even know the situation. And honestly, I don’t think I told him I never wanted to see him, I told him we couldn’t be friends.
I’ve told him how I felt about this issue, it didn’t work. So now I’m doing something else. Isn’t the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome?
I don’t know why you say he’s emotionally unavailable and poisonous. Did I miss something? Do you know him? Do you know me for that matter?
Part me thinks you said those things to get rise out of me. If that’s the case, then mission accomplished.