For the past several days I’ve been trying to convince myself that I don’t need him; telling myself that I’m fine without him and that there are other men out there that can make me as happy as he did; however, my experiences over the weekend have pointed my thoughts in another direction…
I took a little trip to a few lounges over the weekend and was reminded of how many idiots are out there. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t somewhat enjoy men pursuing me and showing me attention – it provided with a much needed ego boost. However, just about every one of them followed a compliment with something completely inappropriate like, “Damn girl, where did you get all that ass”, or “I gotta piss like a race horse”, or “You look good as shit, why are you standing here are alone”…which 9 times out of ten was followed by an unwarranted physical gesture of some sort; i.e. touching my shoulder and/or arm.
I have no desire to date again, I didn’t want to date when I met “Southern Gentleman”; he just kind of fell into my life the right time in the way that I needed in order for me to be vulnerable. I cannot imagine opening m y heart to someone else the way that I have with him. I can’t imagine another person more deserving of my love and kindness… certainly not any of the fools I met over the weekend.
Having those aforementioned experiences over the weekend reminded me of how wonderful he is. Clearly he has some qualities that I prefer he didn’t… but nobody is perfect. Whatever his drawbacks are, I feel that he has what I need in a man in order to be truly happy and I feel like I possess those same qualities for him. I’ve never been so connected with anyone and I don’t want to lose that.
He made massive mistakes before me, I can’t bring myself to continue to prosecute him for things he did prior to our relationship; and I can’t keep wishing that I wasn’t going through this, and that he could just go back and remediate his mistake because it’s not possible. I need to decide if I can deal with this or not… and everyday my mind changes.
I’m not afraid to be alone, and I don’t think I will be hopeless and miserable without him. I know how to make myself happy; and I know only a fool looks to someone else to give their life purpose and fulfillment – I don’t need him for any of that. I don’t need him at all, but I want him. And I could go on with my life, and be successful and happy without him, but I don’t want to. I want him there… I want him here.
I have no idea what’s going to happen with us tomorrow, or next week or next month. All I know is that we’re not done yet.
