I woke up this morning at 3:30am for other reason that while I slept I remembered he said he would call me back.

My anger is growing with mild intensity and then calms down to disappointment because the truth of the matter is I didn’t expect him to call me back. I only hoped that he had enough sense to know that he was on thin ice and anything, anything at all, that prevented him from keeping his word to me would result in some sort of consequence. It’s not that I wish to punish him, but we’re in the process of “talking it out” and seeing if we “can make it work” and any bump in the road – be it large or small will have a tremendous impact on our progress; shit, it may even halt our progress.

These past six months I’ve barely written a thing because all I had to write about was him and I didn’t feel comfortable with sharing him with the world. Although I still don’t I find that writing about my feelings subdues my anger. In reality, it’s in his best interest that I do this.

I love him… I do… and I know that the events that transpired before me are not my fault nor are they an indicator of how he felt/ feels about me. I know he loves me. I’m just an innocent in all this, unfairly forced to deal with the aftermath even though I had no hand in the actions that have taken me down a road that I would have never even set foot on.

I’m not angry any more… I’m just disappointed. I suppose I’m also a little sad because tonight showed me that I probably won’t be able to “deal”.
But you know what though… and this hit me as soon as I woke up… whatever happens is not my fault; it’s his. I love him, and he is a good man, I was truly happy with him but how much should I be expected to handle? How much bullshit to have to deal with just because I love him? What is he doing to make this worth my time? What is he doing to show me that I would be safe and secure with him?

How am I supposed to know that everything is going to be okay? I’ve only been with him for 6 months and my good sense is telling me to walk away; and I would walk away if he didn’t make me so happy. If he hadn’t shown me that he was the most thoughtful, considerate and sweet man I had ever been with. 1 week of disappointment and dismay doesn’t cancel out 6 months of complete happiness.

Yesterday morning, I thought there may be hope for us. Today as of 4:07am, I don’t think there is; and I have no idea how I’m going to feel about him later today, let alone tomorrow.