That’s What He Tells Me

He came over last night… I didn’t think he would so I was definitely surprised when I heard a knock at my door around 9:30.

I had a moment of weakness earlier that day and told him to come over – unfortunately he had a meeting after work that lasted a lot longer than either of us anticipated. Although, his meeting running late was not his fault – I was still extraordinarily irritated by the entire situation.

I came home with the specific intent of getting him to my place so that I could get laid.  As soon as I got home I found a pair of cute boy shorts and a tightly fitted ribbed mesh tank top… I fluffed my hair out to achieve that “wild/free/sexy” look that he likes. I put some body oil between my breasts and legs, and few splashes behind my knees and neck. I looked really good – but was utterly exhausted.

I happened to have a green tea energy pill in my cabinet… against my better judgment I took it. 20 minutes later my brain felt like it was about to shut down but my body was completely wired,no… it was definitley not a good idea.

We had been exchanging some pretty freaky text messages all day and no matter what I was determined to find the energy to have sex… even if it was artificial energy.

After taking my pill of course he told me he a priority for work that he had to take care of and he would come over after.  Yeah I was pissed…. I was totally wired and there was no hope of sex and even less hope of sleep.  I just lay in my bed with my eyes closed… mind racing… heart pounding… eyes burning… completely miserable.

An hour later I checked my phone just to see that he hadn’t sent me any text messages.  I absolutely refused to send him one…  I will just eat my anger and focus on something else that will hopefully prevent me from flipping out on this dude. 

Directly after I reach my resolve I hear a notification… it’s him… he’s leaving his building and will be here soon.  I responded by saying that I was too tired, but he could come by and chill if he wanted.   I typed the second part without even thinking “you can come by and chill for a few minutes if you want”…  I have no idea why I said that.  I suppose I thought he would just go home- without the possibility of sex, what would be the point?

But like I said earlier, he surprised me.

 When he came over I just finished washing, drying and rolling my hair and was subsequently wearing a scarf and chatting on the phone with one of my friends when I hear a knock at the door…

I didn’t get off the phone, hug or kiss him hello… I guess I was really surprised to see him.

I let him in, went into the bathroom to finish my conversation, threw some “smell good” on and went to sit next to him on the couch.  I had a similar outfit on to my initial one… this one was way less sexy –but the results were the same,  all the right areas were exposed… still had plenty of eye candy to show him.  Though, showing him what he had been missing was my not my intent at that point, I took it as a fortunate side effect.

We sat down for a couple of hours and watched a really stupid movie… I don’t think either of us were very interested in it. I think we both were just enjoying being close to one another.  

I couldn’t help but watch his hand trace my legs and thighs, and feel his other lightly brush up against my breast. I didn’t feel exhausted anymore… the more my pussy started to throb the more body seemed to give me the energy that I needed to do what I feel my body needed… get laid.

Eventually he wanted a kiss… and for whatever reason I was hesitant. I mean, we’re not together, we’re still kind of fighting… it’s just not as easy for me to kiss him now as it once was. He had to turn my face to his and lean down to kiss me; he did so very slowly never taking his eyes off mine.  When I finally felt his lips on mine the softness of them made my body explode and I felt my panties become soaked.  He kissed me 4 times very slowly, all the while looking at me… damn it… why are this boys lips so damn soft?!

When he parted from me I felt myself slowly take in a deep breath… I didn’t want him to know how excited he was making me.

I still can’t bring myself to write about the intimacies of our sex life – even though we’re not together anymore. 

All I can say is that about 5 minutes later, our kiss was followed by an intense, passionate, freaky love session… needless to say I wore him out.

Today however is a different story.  He never seems to be available when I need him… not anymore.  And I know that reasons for him not being available to me or completely legitimate but that does not in any way prevent me from being disappointed. 

I feel like every relationship I’ve ever had has been like this. I’m always there for them, always give them what I believe they need… but I never get what I need.  I’m sick today, and if he doesn’t at least drive his ass over here to give me some soup its going be a problem.

He can come over to get laid – but not to take care of me… and he’s supposed to love me remember? I mean, at least that’s what he tells me every day.

We’re Not Done Yet

For the past several days I’ve been trying to convince myself that I don’t need him; telling myself that I’m fine without him and that there are other men out there that can make me as happy as he did; however, my experiences over the weekend have pointed my thoughts in another direction…

I took a little trip to a few lounges over the weekend and was reminded of how many idiots are out there. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t somewhat enjoy men pursuing me and showing me attention – it provided with a much needed ego boost. However, just about every one of them followed a compliment with something completely inappropriate like, “Damn girl, where did you get all that ass”, or “I gotta piss like a race horse”, or “You look good as shit, why are you standing here are alone”…which 9 times out of ten was followed by an unwarranted physical gesture of some sort; i.e. touching my shoulder and/or arm.

I have no desire to date again, I didn’t want to date when I met “Southern Gentleman”; he just kind of fell into my life the right time in the way that I needed in order for me to be vulnerable. I cannot imagine opening m y heart to someone else the way that I have with him. I can’t imagine another person more deserving of my love and kindness… certainly not any of the fools I met over the weekend.

Having those aforementioned experiences over the weekend reminded me of how wonderful he is. Clearly he has some qualities that I prefer he didn’t… but nobody is perfect. Whatever his drawbacks are, I feel that he has what I need in a man in order to be truly happy and I feel like I possess those same qualities for him. I’ve never been so connected with anyone and I don’t want to lose that.

He made massive mistakes before me, I can’t bring myself to continue to prosecute him for things he did prior to our relationship; and I can’t keep wishing that I wasn’t going through this, and that he could just go back and remediate his mistake because it’s not possible. I need to decide if I can deal with this or not… and everyday my mind changes.
I’m not afraid to be alone, and I don’t think I will be hopeless and miserable without him. I know how to make myself happy; and I know only a fool looks to someone else to give their life purpose and fulfillment – I don’t need him for any of that. I don’t need him at all, but I want him. And I could go on with my life, and be successful and happy without him, but I don’t want to. I want him there… I want him here.

I have no idea what’s going to happen with us tomorrow, or next week or next month. All I know is that we’re not done yet.

As of Right Now…

I woke up this morning at 3:30am for other reason that while I slept I remembered he said he would call me back.

My anger is growing with mild intensity and then calms down to disappointment because the truth of the matter is I didn’t expect him to call me back. I only hoped that he had enough sense to know that he was on thin ice and anything, anything at all, that prevented him from keeping his word to me would result in some sort of consequence. It’s not that I wish to punish him, but we’re in the process of “talking it out” and seeing if we “can make it work” and any bump in the road – be it large or small will have a tremendous impact on our progress; shit, it may even halt our progress.

These past six months I’ve barely written a thing because all I had to write about was him and I didn’t feel comfortable with sharing him with the world. Although I still don’t I find that writing about my feelings subdues my anger. In reality, it’s in his best interest that I do this.

I love him… I do… and I know that the events that transpired before me are not my fault nor are they an indicator of how he felt/ feels about me. I know he loves me. I’m just an innocent in all this, unfairly forced to deal with the aftermath even though I had no hand in the actions that have taken me down a road that I would have never even set foot on.

I’m not angry any more… I’m just disappointed. I suppose I’m also a little sad because tonight showed me that I probably won’t be able to “deal”.
But you know what though… and this hit me as soon as I woke up… whatever happens is not my fault; it’s his. I love him, and he is a good man, I was truly happy with him but how much should I be expected to handle? How much bullshit to have to deal with just because I love him? What is he doing to make this worth my time? What is he doing to show me that I would be safe and secure with him?

How am I supposed to know that everything is going to be okay? I’ve only been with him for 6 months and my good sense is telling me to walk away; and I would walk away if he didn’t make me so happy. If he hadn’t shown me that he was the most thoughtful, considerate and sweet man I had ever been with. 1 week of disappointment and dismay doesn’t cancel out 6 months of complete happiness.

Yesterday morning, I thought there may be hope for us. Today as of 4:07am, I don’t think there is; and I have no idea how I’m going to feel about him later today, let alone tomorrow.

I’m not ready to talk about it.

I pulled into my garage… feeling slightly better than I did earlier.

I park my car, grab my purse, lock the car and begin to walk to the elevator. While walking I feel myself glaring at cars as I walk by them, at the growing noise of the fan as I walk by it… By the time I reached the door to the elevator I spotted a neighbor and glared at her too. But only for a moment – my glare was followed by a slight smile in an attempt to soften my initial reaction.

I selected my floor number and heard her say “Seven please”… “Sure” I said; never looking up at her. As the elevator transported up the building one floor at a time, I felt my smile fall into a frown. I felt my breathing turn into a string of sighs, and I felt my jaw clench – the ding by the elevator to alert to me that one of us had reached our destination temporarily snapped me back into reality and I walked out with m y head down and turn right. “Have a good day “… I heard her say, but I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge her. She must thing I’m a bitch… or maybe she has some sense and realizes that my mood doesn’t have anything to do with her and she shouldn’t take it personally… who knows.

As I walk I feel heat start to spread throughout my body and my eyes begin to water. I pick up my face trying to reach my condo before the inevitable happens. I turn the key, let the door close behind me and drop my bag on the floor. I back up so that my back is braced by the door and I slowly drop to the floor. My eyes shut, my head drops and I begin to sob.

“Stop… stop” I say to myself, trying so hard to control my emotions. But I couldn’t, I had been on the verge of crying all day and it was just time for it to come out. I cried so hard that eyes began to hurt… I cried so long so nose became stuffed to point where I could barely breathe.

I walked to the bathroom to blow my nose and found myself once again on the floor… sobbing.

I loved him so much and he hurt me so bad. I don’t deserve this.

But even in my emotional state I can’t bring myself to hate him. He didn’t mean to hurt me and I know that, he made a really stupid decision before he met me and now we are both paying for it. I never thought something like this would be happening to us. We were so good together, true enough he had some shortcomings as we all do – but I made up mind long ago that there was no way I was going to leave this man that I believed I had been waiting on my whole life. I thought nothing to make me walk away from him… I was wrong.

Heartbreak is the worst pain; not only do you feel it in your body but it is reflected in your soul, shines through eyes and is written all over your face. I can’t hide this pain or pretend like I’m O.K. when I’m not, something always gives me away; today it was glossy eyes, I wonder what it will be tomorrow…