Doesn’t Feel So Good… Does It?!

Against my better judgment my ex and I have been communicating. Ever since we slept together I find it difficult not to at least text him every so often.

Several days ago we got into somewhat of a “texting” argument that ended in me saying that we couldn’t be anything and that I had no interest in ever seeing him again; and me deleting his number. I checked my phone every few minutes for almost 2 days and to my disappointment, he didn’t respond.

I know what I said, but I thought that – being the kind of person he was – he would at least call; which he didn’t. I thought he would at least text me “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”, which he didn’t. When he finally texted me it was Christmas night – 2 days after our conversation. He acknowledged the fact that I was upset – but did not apologize. And yes, he did something that warranted an apology. I spoke to him as I normally would for a few minutes and then got off the phone. I was infuriated.

I had to sit down and figure out why I was upset. I knew I was furious, but I didn’t exactly now why. This man was not my boyfriend, who may or may not still love, who doesn’t owe me anything. My being was completely and utterly my fault. I led myself down this path by opening the lines of communication 2 weeks after closing them. And I’m the one who asked him to come over. I’m the one who started this mess. He doesn’t owe me anything.

So, after a day or two of self reflection I decided to let it go – AND – to not sleep with him anymore. I was clearly “in my feelings” and it was because I slept with him. Before doing so, I was on the emotional road to recovery. BEFORE doing so, I didn’t really think about him or even cared if he called. It was clear to me that sleeping with him was a stupid idea and definitely caused me to regress.

Of course, I haven’t told him yet. I plan to – but it seems silly to have a conversation about something that may not even happen again. I have no plans to invite him over to my place – so as far as I’m concerned, the opportunity more than likely won’t present itself. So, IF it comes up, I’ll tell him, if not, I won’t.

Also, I noticed that I’m always calling him or texting him and that he rarely reaches out to me. In reality, he’s always been this way – I just never noticed because he was always here. So, in an effort to curb our communication [at least on my end] I deleted his number. Additionally, I wanted to see when this fucker was going to reach out to me. 2 days later… he sends me a text. I don’t respond.

I don’t respond because I don’t think he understands how much it sucks to have some you care about not answer your text messages or phone calls. After all, I never made him wait for a thing. I hate to have to play these ridiculous games but sometimes I feel like this is the only way to get through to some people – by making them experience what they forced you to experience. Sometimes having the “this is what you did, and this is why you hurt me” talk is pointless – especially if it doesn’t result in a change in behavior.

So, like I said, I didn’t respond; and I still haven’t a day ½ later. He’s sent me 5 text messages in 12 hours, which is odd for him. I have no plans on responding until later tonight, and when I do it’ll be: “what’s up?” It’s time for him to see how this bullshit feels – he’s sensitive guy and I know this is bothering him. His mind is probably wandering, not knowing what I’m doing or who I’m with. Oh well… doesn’t feel so good… does it?

I’m Good – I Just Need a Drink

I’m sitting here on the couch wondering if I want to go out tonight. I don’t feel as desperate and as I did last week. I doubt that if I decided to stay home that I would [eventually] burst into tears at the thought of my ex. Honestly, I’ve thought about him a few times today, and each thought has been followed by a head shake [side-to-side] or a “fuck it”. I must be entering into the “Angry” / “I Don’t Give a Fuck” phase.

I have a few good reasons to stay in, the #1 being that I’m broke as hell and really can’t afford to spending money on things I don’t need. I swear, when I bought my condo I only thought of how I would be a homeowner and how I could sell my condo a few years from now and nearly double my investment – I live in an up and coming “location destination”. I didn’t think about how much this mortgage was going to affect my entertainment budget; so all though I look like I’m balling… I’m not. In fact, the ideal situation would be to go to the bar tonight, and have someone pick up my tab.
I really miss the days when I could spend a few hundred in one weekends and it not even put a dent in my checking account. Those were the “Good ‘Ole Days” when I was a renter. **sigh ** Back then I hated when guys would try and “buy me”. You know, trying to impress me by trying to buy my dinner or buy me drinks. I hated it. I felt like all guys [ that I encountered ] had to offer was money – and I already had that. Subsequently, I would decline and try to see what else they had to offer; which 9/10 times was nothing.

Noooooow, I’m totally fine with it.

It would be great if I could afford to pay for my own drinks, but unfortunately, I can’t. As a result, I’ll be much more agreeable when approached by a man who wants to buy me a drink. Hey it is, what it is. He’ll get his “in” and I’ll get my drink. It’s a win-win!

I’m Waiting for You Daddy Part 2: “But You Need to Hurry Your Ass Up”

I just realized that I created the original post [I’m Waiting for You Daddy http://wp.me/pISsY-2C] in February and then met Southern Gentleman [http://wp.me/pISsY-4M] in late April.

How fucked up is that lol?
I don’t know if I should be happy that I got exactly what I wanted – or angry because I wasn’t able to keep it. It sucks that I only got a glimpse of the qualities that I’ve been looking for – AND that they belonged to a man who couldn’t make me happy. He wanted to – but he just couldn’t.

When I initially made the list – I only listed the bare minimum requirements and that’s where I made my mistake. I thought to myself, if he can do “this”, I’ll never leave. I’ll love him forever.

And I honestly didn’t want to leave him. I did everything I could not to leave. But in the end he couldn’t make me happy and I didn’t think I could truly make him happy – so I made the decision to leave.
I’m still very torn about it because I had a great time with him, and he is truly a great person. The sad truth is – we just aren’t meant for each other.
All the things that I neglected to initially put on my list were qualities that he didn’t have. This experience has shown me what I need to be happy – and what type of man I want.
As painful as this experience has been – I believe I have figured out what I want. So I’m making a new list…
I’ll more than likely add to it as time goes on – but for now I think I’ve covered everything.

1. Must be 5’11 or taller
2. Must have good credit
3. Must be a critical and decisive thinker
4. Must be articulate
5. Must not be a “Momma’s Boy”
6. Must be an independent thinker / Individual
7. Must have a strong mind
8. Must be spiritual
9. Must be emotionally and physically strong
10. Must be able to express himself
11. Must be honest
12. Must have integrity
13. Must have courage
14. Must be responsible
15. Must be a good father [ if he has a child]
16. Must have a well managed relationship with child and mother
17. Must be intelligent
18. Must be experienced
19. Must be affectionate
20. Must be kind and sweet
21. Must be aggressive
22. Must treat me well
23. Must understand and respect me
24. Must not be afraid to argue
25. Must always be willing to reconcile and come to a resolution
26. Must be able to compromise
27. Must be loving and gentle
28. Must be fit
29. Must have a nice body
30. Must have a nice dick
31. Must have a desire to make me happy / please me
32. Must get along well with my family
33. Must be confident
34. Must have a great sense of humor
35. Must be a hugger
36. Must have big hands
37. Must know how to dance
38. Must be spontaneous
39. Must know how to initiate sex
40. Must have a high sex drive
41. Must be committed and monogamous
42. Must believe in marriage
43. Must be sexual
44. Must be a gentleman
45. Must have his own place
46. Must be financially stable
47. Must be good at oral sex
48. Must know a variety of sexual positions
49. Must be open
50. Must be positive
51. Must be social [ semi-social]
52. Must be a good kisser
53. Must be a “freak”
54. Must be clean
55. Must have a doctor
56. Must love to travel
57. Must have car
58. Must be able to be silly
59. Must be family oriented – but not stupid when it comes to family
60. Must be romantic
61. Must be a good listener
62. Must be able to make me cum in every possible scenario
63. Must be adventurous
64. Must be handsome
65. Must understand my personality and like/appreciate it
66. Must be playful
67. Must be sexy
68. Must be able to “check” me… when needed
69. Must not have squeaky voice
70. Must have nice ass
71. Must be able to teach me things
72. Must be willing and capable of falling in love
73. Must not do stupid things to hurt me
74. Must treat me better than I’ve ever been treated
75. Must be easy to love
76. Must touch me in places I’ve never been touched
77. Must be “satisfiable” *I know it’s not a word!*
78. Must be completely heterosexual
79. Must know what he wants
80. Must not be afraid or intimidated by me
81. Must be compatible

I think I’ll just do what I did last time… allow myself to emotional heal and just wait for him to come – because I know he’s coming… he came last time.

Not so Happy-Happy Hour

3:00 P.M. Fuck This…

I’m sitting at my cubicle watching the minutes go by. I made plans earlier in the week to meet the girls for happy hour and I was getting anxious. I was contemplating on whether or not I want to leave an hour early. Nobody is here; I don’t have anything to do. “Fuck this,” I say aloud… “I’m leaving.”

I check and respond to a few important emails, gather my things, lock up, and go out the “back way” to ensure that I’m not seen my manager… my manger’s manager … or the director.

Eh, I really doubt that will miss me, and plus, leaving now will allow me to get home by 4 and find something to wear to happy hour.

4:00 P.M. Strip

Just walked through the door and as soon as I hear the door shut behind me I immediately begin to strip. I drop my purse, gym bag, throw my coat on the desk, kick off my shoes and take off my earrings. I make a quick right in to my bathroom while stepping out of my pants, unbuttoned my blouse, unhooked my braw and stepped out of my panties and directly into the shower.

5:00 P.M. I Have Some Really Nice Boobs

I decided to go sexy – casual. Snug jeans, cute white top [Hollister] that accents my boobs, light make-up and my hoop earrings that I love; Cute and simple but definitely showing off my curves.

After dressing I walked over to the mirror to get myself a quick check. I turned around so that I could see my ass in the mirror and gave it my stamp of approval – i.e. a quick smack… I then began to slowly rotate my body 180 degrees and traced the outline my body with my hands until I was facing in the mirror. Then, I allowed them to rest on my hips for a moment while I decided if my outfit was too casual.

I slide my hands up to my breasts and gave them a quick squeeze. “Yeah… I’m good” I say aloud. “This is good enough for happy hour”. Damn… I have some really nice boobs.

I really wanted to meet someone. Breakups always leave me feeling kind of shitty… and not quite myself. I feel desperate. Not desperate for a relationship – but for a “distraction”. I’m desperate to be beyond the phase of feeling sad and maybe a little bitter; desperate to move on and not have to deal with this post-breakup emotional carnage.

5:20 Solo at the Bar

I took off my coat to the let the “girls” breathe… performed a quick scan of the bar and restaurant… no cuties. I got some attention – the girls always get attention – but it was from the oldies at the bar that didn’t have the balls to approach me. Older men are intimidated by PYTs lol… and that’s just fine with me.

6:15 P.M. Mixed Company

I’m buzzing from the 2 beers I had while waiting for everyone to arrive, and I’m in a really good mood… I’m a happy drunk. I’m enjoying the company of my girls and loving the conversation.

Unfortunately, we only got about 45 minutes of good conversation in before the men arrived.

The men I’m speaking of were collectively invited by us [the girls]… so I knew them…kind of. They came up one by one and greeted us individually. One guy, I’ll call him Mike, decided to greet with me a few mini kisses on my cheek. In his defense he warned earlier – that he planned to kiss me, but I honestly didn’t think he had the balls. So, I expected a hug and was surprised by his kisses.

Throughout the night he did some things that, I suppose, indicated that he was, possibly, interested. He hugged me and wrapped his arms around me a couple of times.

Before I tell you how I reacted, let me first say that I didn’t know he had any type of interest in me until he sent me a text a couple of hours prior to seeing me – to say that he was gonna kiss me. And even when I read the text I really didn’t think anything of it. He’s been an acquaintance of mine for about a year and –to my knowledge – has never even hinted at being interested. So… I threw him in the “friend bucket”. He seemed cool and when we hung out I had fun, so
to me I suppose he’s a hang out buddy. And that’s all I see him as.

So, when he hugged me, I didn’t him back, and when wrapped his arms around me I didn’t respond verbally or physically. In other words, I was cold. But how would you act if one of your friends starting hugging you for no reason? I was taken aback by it, definitely and was irritated because he was “blockin’”. Whether or not that was his intention – I have no idea, nevertheless, that’s what he was doing. Every cutie that walked in to the spot assumed we were together – killing all chances of me fulfilling the mission I had been tweeting and facebooking about all freaking day. A mission – which I believe- he was well aware of.

I won’t get into the details of what happened because he reads this blog and I don’t really want to put him all the way out there. I’ll just say that I had really good time with the girls and I had an alright time with the guys. I’m sure I said and did things that irritated Mike – but that’s not my fault.

Admittedly I’m not the type of person who picks up on hints well. I need for people to say exactly what it is they want or I’m never going to get it. If he had interest in me that night he should have said something. At least if he did, we could have avoided the awkwardness and developed some sort of understanding.

I wonder if, during his decision making process, he considered that I just ended a relationship with a man that I loved very much and that I might not have any interest in dating anyone; which I don’t. Then again, perhaps he did think about it and only had interest in pursuing a sexual relationship.

At this point, all I can do is speculate; I have no idea what his intentions were that night or what sort of strategy he had. What I do know is that it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sure my actions turned him off – as they would any man; and I was equally turned off by his. I don’t like men who can’t articulate their wants and desires; I’m not going to put “it “on a silver platter for you. If you want it, you’re going to have to come and get it.

9:00 P.M. Wasted

By the time we left, I had at least 6 drinks under my belt… possibly more. The cold was sobering and allowed me to compose myself enough to walk my drunk ass home safely.

I really had a great time, with the exception of the awkwardness between Mike and I. I hugged the girls goodbye and turned around to say goodbye to Mike who had pulled a rather impressive disappearing act. I didn’t even see him leave lol… oh well.

9:10 P.M. Drunk Dialing

When I got home, I called several people – not really who, but several people; For whatever reason I didn’t stay on the phone with any of them very long and was subsequently left without a distraction. I know now, that I should have just taken my ass to bed. But instead, I looked at my phone, found my ex’s number and called him and pressed send. Even though I was wasted I still knew that calling him was NOT a good idea. I think the tequila shot made me do it…

I really missed him, and I wanted him pretty bad. While the phone rang I decided I didn’t give a shit and that I wanted to call and fuck the consequences! Again… this is the tequila.

The phone rang and rang… and as it did I found myself hoping that he didn’t answer. I needed him to save me from my drunken stupidity because I sure as hell couldn’t do it. I just sat on my couch and listened to each and every ring… Each ring felt substantially extended. Damn this tequila… it felt like the phone call was taking an hour rather than minutes to complete. And in the inebriated hour I felt regret for calling. I realized that phone had been ringing for a while – and that he was probably ignoring my call, which made me feel like shit. I felt my eyes start to close and my head begin to drop when suddenly, I heard his voice.

“Hello?”

I jumped up from the couch and widened my eyes trying to find him, as if someway somehow he had materialized from my making the phone call.

“Hello, Shay?”

I came back down to reality and realized he was on the phone and not in front me.

“Hi…” I was happy to hear his voice.

“Hey….” He sounded so warm and I could hear him smiling – which, for whatever reason, aroused me.

“I want to see you…can you come over”

“Yes.”

10:00 P.M. Reunion…

I Need A Distraction

Unfortunately, my sis and I didn’t hang out. Instead I stayed home, watched movies, drank wine and reminisced about my ex… fun times. :/

This is week two of me being single and I can honestly say that the worst is over. I definitely still miss him, and think of him often; however, I am at peace with the hard fact that we cannot make each other happy in the long term.
I often wonder why I had to even meet him, and why God felt he needed to put “Southern Gentleman” in my path just to show me that I couldn’t be happy with him. I think that hurts more than anything – to get what you’ve been asking for just to find out that it’s not a good fit for you, or that it’s just not meant for you. I have no doubt that he is going to find a really great woman later in life, marry her and be extremely happy. He’s a great person, he deserves it, and I believe he’ll get it. Honestly, you know, I feel like I know the reason why he met me. I feel like in our short together I made him better and as he continues to reflect our relationship he will continue to grow and mature. But as for me, and why I met him, I don’t know. However, I am confident the purpose of our relationship will be revealed to me when I’m ready to receive it.

Anyway…

So, because I seriously cannot stand being cooped up in this condo and constantly reminded of him, I’ve decided to get out and be more social – something I was attempting to do prior to our relationship. First attempt to be more social will be to attend a happy hour with a handful of friends.

Unfortunately, the break up has left me somewhat moody, harsh and closed… and I feel the only way to circumvent these things is to get drunk. So, happy hour is the ideal first “social step”. I’m a “happy drunk” so I figure, the alcohol will allow me to loosen up enough as to give the illusion that I’m approachable and non-intimidating.

All I really want is a distraction, you know, something to get my mind off my ex. No relationships, just a little casual dating.

When I’m at work its somewhat easy not to think of my ex. When I’m at home… it’s a different story, my place is filled with memories of him. If I allow my mind to be occupied for one moment, I’ll find that I’m either laughing at something funny he once did or said, or crying at the fact that he’s gone.

I sometimes wish I could just reach out to him, just to see how he’s doing – but I know that has the potential to be emotionally damaging for the both of us. I suppose I just have to suffer through it for right now – and resist the urge to be selfish and reach out to him to soothe my pain; which, essentially, is what I would be doing.

Anyway, enough about that… Thursday promises to be interesting. Stay tuned…